Samia - self/reflection

It is I I detest

not you

for you are not

affected by anything,

not by me.

I am.

I scatter them thorns

carefully,

around every door and window

and keyhole

that I see,

I scatter them thorns

while I take my shoes off.

For I wish not to escape.

For I am scared,

I am scared

of my failure,

of the moment

I will know

I am not

what I think myself to be.

I paint dark shadows

I think them thoughts

that are poison,

that do nothing

but grow

into more, multi-rooted, underground

beneath my skin,

beneath the words,

beneath my eyes.

I poison myself

for I am afraid

I have entered

Into a wrong turn.

And I cannot grow here.

I poison myself

for I am with you now,

and this is not

how I played it out

to be.

I poison,

as I am lesser

everyday.

The better bits of me

have vanished.

Rotten,

fallen off,

stuck in distant places-

all that remains is this

decay.

This mass

I hate to call myself.